Support

Finding your world view shattered on the ground isn't exactly fun. But for an extrovert, infinitely worse was feeling as though I were a fish out of water on a sweltering desert island in a sea of well-intentioned sharks. Overstatement? Sometimes. But only sometimes.

My parents didn't get it. My mom was devastated, and my relationship with my dad deteriorated into long arguments. They warned me not to talk to my cousins because I was "such a good role model" for them. My counselor, dean, and professors were very supportive of my questioning—up to and until I stopped arriving at the correct answers. (I've found that such answers, of the sort which are also used in Bible studies and devotional books, can be terribly mundane once one has mastered the various formulae.) After many months of supporting me, my boyfriend (understandably) came very close to ending our relationship. One friend informed me that our friendship was over unless I wanted to continue listening to his views on the topic. After that I mostly stopped talking to people about it.

But there were a couple distinctly bright spots.

One was an excellent professor who really knew the field I was only just dipping my toes in. He affirmed that I had done my homework, knew what I was talking about. He also admitted he was in nearly the same boat. I can't quite describe the relief that came with just hearing someone tell me I was neither crazy, nor stupid, nor hell-bound, and that I might in fact have some valid points.

The other was an old friend I briefly reconnected with for an evening. I only had to say a few words, and he instantly knew exactly what I was talking about. He identified, and he told me I would be ok. "I think this university does more to produce atheists than it does Christians," he informed me. In the midst of my nihilistic doom and gloom, the memory of his totally relaxed, chill presence gave me a little lifeline to hold on to.

What is this thing we call spirituality? I'll let the philosophers, theologians, and biologists argue that out, and just acknowledge that it's part of the human experience. I'm not sure there's anything that affects us quite so fundamentally; and yet the people who truly understand the experience of losing a deep personal faith, or even just those who can be supportive to someone in the midst of it, are few and far between. I had to dig carefully and it took me a few months. But they do exist (really they do), and I personally would not have been capable of this kind journey without them.