Back at the End

There's no easy way to rebuild your worldview. This year has been rough. Very rough. I find myself just as exhausted tonight as I was at the beginning, and I feel like I've made little to no progress—at finals week, it's striking me how precious little I've given to or received from the classes which once drove me to willing, happy slavery. What happened? Where did I lose my perfect, energetic, inspired self in trying to find myself?

How do I fill the void which was at one time so richly, amply supplied? The words to In the Middle of Me by Todd Agnew once cheered me and now taunt me. So this is the price of truth, of craving with everything in me to just stop…lying…though the world was so many times sweeter when I could rest on that drug.

It seems like an apt time to perhaps share a little of the beginning of my story. Well, glad you asked…

It all started when I was walking home from work one sunny day and, out of the blue, asked myself a simple question: what reason did I have to think there was a God? That day was, in fact, the single end. I could come up with no satisfactory answer. So I began looking for one. And I did not find it. What I did find was many other people asking the same question. There seemed to be two classes of people with answers: those with circular logic, and those with linear logic. The ones with circular logic said, "The Bible says there's a God, and the Bible's right, because God wrote/inspired/breathed/influenced it." The ones with linear logic said "we don't know." Neither answer had any real appeal, but the lesser of the two evils seemed to be the linear logic. It was far more humble, to me, to say "I don't know" than to continue perpetuating claims that either explained what was better explained by science, or could themselves be explained by scientific understanding of human beings (psychology etc.). I felt I had no choice but to change my Christian identity. That was the first beginning, of many to follow.